


Weather for the coming week

by nerdyostrich



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Also fluff, Fluff, M/M, whatcha gonna do about it, yeah i basically wrote an entire night vale episode for your birthday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 07:51:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyostrich/pseuds/nerdyostrich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mountain that may or may not be real has appeared in Radon Canyon, but that's not important. Cecil has something important to say about Carlos, because it has turned out that he is not, indeed, perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weather for the coming week

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tiddlypom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiddlypom/gifts).



> CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 17TH BIRTHDAY, LIZZIE!  
> I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE HAD A WONDERFUL DAY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT <3  
> You are the light of my life and I hope that you will enjoy this extremely sappy Night Vale-episode.
> 
> Love,  
> Sofia
> 
> P.S. Don't forget the weather.

Your car is not a car. It's an ancient being made of metal and oil and terror. One day, they will rise up and rule the world once more. Welcome to Night Vale.  
  
Listeners, I have something to tell you all. You know my boyfriend, Carlos the scientist? Well, I have to go back on some claims that I've made about him. You know, to uphold the station's reputation of being fully accurate and trustworthy.  
  
By the way, before I begin, the City Council has asked me to remind you that the mountain that just appeared right outside of town is NOT REAL. Do not attempt to approach the mountain. We don't yet know what will happen to you if you do and since the great pine tree massacre last summer, the City Council has decided to not encourage approaching objects that seem to exist, but are, in fact, NOT REAL. The City Council also asks me to tell you to not think or mention the pine tree massacre again. If you do, then you'll immediately be sent off to re-education. Be nice to the people collecting you, it's their first day as collectors. It's also their last.  
  
Anyway, back to my point about Carlos. The perfect Carlos that turned out to not be so perfect. That's why I have to go back on my claim that he is. Listeners, Carlos is not perfect. During my many months of observation, I have come to this inevitable conclusion. Carlos is a terrible cook. Not that his food tastes bad, in fact, his imaginary corn soup is very tasty. No, he is a terrible cook in that he is always doing something else while cooking. I always tell him that science can wait, but he just nods and then stirs his baby carrot stew counterclockwise. Did you hear that? Counterclockwise! Everyone knows that you stir a baby carrot stew clockwise, otherwise the baby carrots start screaming. Let me tell you, the screaming of dozens of pureed baby carrots is not a pleasant sound, but Carlos doesn't even seem to notice. SOMEONE needs to listen to his caring boyfriend and pay attention in the kitchen.  
  
Do you know what else he does? He always puts the seat down after going to the bathroom. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in, listeners. I was shocked too when I walked into the bathroom to find the seat DOWN. Is he even aware of the safety hazards? With the seat down, you're directly hindering the Sheriff's Secret Police from entering your house through the toilet. What if we need to be called in for routine questioning and they can't enter through the toilet without getting stuck in an awkward and uncomfortable position? We must treat our officials better, citizens. Don't be like Carlos when it comes to your daily bathroom routine.  
  
Oh, what's this? Intern David just put a note on my desk. It looks like the edges have been burned by some kind of dark fire and it also... It smells faintly of sulfur and... What's that? Petrichor! How curious. Let me read what it says:  
  
DO NOT GO TO THE MOUNTAIN

IT'S REAL

GO TO THE MOUNTAIN

IT'S NOT REAL  
  
Now listeners, that's quite a contradictory and confusing note. Are we supposed to go to the mountain or are we not? Is it real or not? We can never really know. Especially not since intern David just collapsed into a small pile of ashes right outside of my office. I wonder who wrote the note, but I guess we'll never know. Oh well. No matter what the note says or does not say, all contact with the mountain is still highly discouraged, as per what the City Council said earlier.  
  
Before I continue with retracting my previous statement about my boyfriend Carlos, a word from our sponsors.  
  
Death.  
  
This message was brought to you by Starbucks.  
  
So, I'd just brought up Carlos' unsafe bathroom habits, right? Well, then I will move on to the fact that his hair always looks perfect, no wait, WONDERFUL, when he wakes up. In fact, it always looks p-, I mean, WONDERFUL. How is that even possible? How is such luxury allowed? No really, the Secret Police set up rules against excessively wonderful hair that always looks wonderful just a few years ago. It was when a certain man walked into town, his wonderful hair disrupting everyday life, that the Secret Police exiled that man from town and then set up the new laws. Carlos, your hair is illegal in every sense of the word. And it's unfair.  
  
I could go on about how when he showers he never wears the compulsory ceremonial robe, how he is always trying to smuggle wheat and wheat by-products into the house and how he never uses our bloodstone, but you guys see my point, right? Carlos is not perfect, but I still love him, of course. Is it not our imperfections that make us lovable? I mean, if something were perfect, then there wouldn't be anything to improve, right? And imperfections are perfect to cover with love. Cover the cracks of imperfections with love until you can no longer see them. Bury them deep under love. Hear the cracks scream but never stop. Don't stop until the cracks stop screaming. And-. oh what is it now? Oh! Listeners, I just received a text message from Carlos telling me to... meet him at the mountain? This is a highly peculiar turn of events, but if my boyfriend tells me to go to the mountain that may or may not be real, then I'll go. I mean, if it's dangerous, then he might need help. Maybe he needs me to assist him with science? Oh, how I would love that... I'll go away for a while now, but I will be back. Wish me luck, listeners! And now, [the weather](http://8tracks.com/sassytimelordminion/weather-for-the-coming-week).

Hello, listeners. I'm sorry for leaving you for so long. It seems like you got the weather for the rest of the week and a bit of next week. Remember that these are only preliminary forecasts, though, and are subject to change at any time and without warning. So please, tune in every day for the weather so that you may dress appropriately and wear the right smile for the day. We all remember what happened to the woman who wore the wrong smile, don't we?  
  
Also, guess why Carlos asked me to meet him at the mountain? ...no, that is not correct. No... Listeners, are you even trying? The reason why is... oh, I'm so giddy right now, I can barely even say it! Let me just tell you everything that happened, in the hope that I may remain coherent.  
  
So, Carlos invited me to the mountain that may or may not be real, so I went over there immediately. Right there , at the foot of the mountain that may or may not be real, was Carlos, his lab coat fluttering slightly in the wind. His caramel skin looked positively luminous in the afternoon sunlight over the Radon Canyon. Of course, his hair was still ridiculously wonderful. Really, it's a surprise he hasn't been arrested yet. Then again, perhaps even the Secret Police cannot resist his hair. Anyway, I was like "why did you bring me here?" and he was all like "climb the mountain with me", so we did. We climbed the mountain that may or may not be real and as we stood on the peak, looking out over our wonderful town below, Carlos said "so, there's something I have wanted to say for a while". I turned around to look at him and I said "then say it!" because I was really excited, you know. And then he started speaking,  
  
"Ever since I came here to Night Vale, I've never been sure of what's real. Hooded figures walk around - yeah, I know I'm not supposed to mention them, Cecil, but hear me out here -, time is too slow, clocks aren't real, the weather is MUSIC and there are buildings that seem to exist but still don't exist. I have never been this unsure of reality before and I have always trusted in science, but now this very belief has been shaken. There is still one thing that I know to be real, though, and that is you. You have been the one real thing in this town of uncertainty and strange events, even though you seem to be inextricably tangled with these events and the town itself. You're still the one thing that I know to be real. And that is why I decided that here, standing on a foundation of uncertainty together with the one thing I know to be real, I would ask you a question. And this question is,"  
  
Oh, listeners, I can barely say it without getting emotional all over again. Okay, here is the question,  
  
"And this question is: will you marry me?"  
  
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT LISTENERS? Carlos asked ME to marry HIM! I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional again, but I'm just so very happy right now. Anyway, after a short pause, I managed to stutter out one word,  
  
"N-neat!"  
  
NEAT. He asks me to marry him and all I can say is NEAT. I did it again, listeners. Why can I never learn? Neat... I can't believe it. Neat. He proposed to me and I said "neat". Anyway, that was it. I can now proudly say that Carlos is no longer my boyfriend. Listeners, Carlos is now my wonderfully imperfect fiancé. Isn't it neat?  
  
Shortly after we got down from the mountain that may or may not exist, the mountain faded away into nothing but sand and mist. We still do not know if it was real or not, but does it truly matter? Do we really need to know? Can't we just let this be a wonder of our lovely town? Besides, the City Council strictly forbids explaining this event. In fact, they are denying that there was ever a mountain there in the first place! "No, we did not make an announcement about the mountain. Why would we do that when there was no mountain to begin with?" They hissed as they slithered back into the town hall, shrouded in black mist that enveloped any reporter who attempted to approach them.  
  
The sun is setting over our lovely little town. The mountain that may or may not have existed has turned into sand and mist. Carlos, my fiancé, is waiting at home for me, hopefully without screaming baby carrot stew. It's night now, Night Vale. Stay tuned for the distorted static left over from the big bang that created this void, scattered with matter. But for now, please listen to my soft voice as I say,  
  
Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.


End file.
